Foul! Foul! I call FOUL!!

I just need to talk about Scrabble. What better audience than this one? (probably literally one)

So there is this person. I will not name any names but their initials are T.H.E.D.E.V.I.L. We have played Scrabble together for quite some time. We had a little hiatus when this person was away from the desk for a couple of months, but when they returned, I started a fresh list, showing who won and who lost each and every game. It was important to me because I am insane and I needed to win more than I lost and the obsessive/compulsive portion of my brain needed desperately to keep a record separate from my other Scrabble opponents. I'm posting a picture here of my little list, started on an Amitiza note pad, which, by the way was free, given to me by a friendly drug rep.
When the first page got full, I taped another page to it. If you can tell at all, down at about the 16th game, when the score was 12 to 4 in my favor, T.H.E.D.E.V.I.L. started naming the games with the score, but started at 7 to 0. Beej 7 and T.H.E.D.E.V.I.L. 0. What the what?? No, no, no. I don't think so. I told this person that was incorrect. They did not care about my thoughts in the least. I was mortified and still am.

All of this was to say that I need to add a new page to my list, but the more I think about it, the more I think I should just bow out gracefully. It's making me mean and angry. I don't think I'm normally a mean and angry person. On the other hand, maybe it's building character. But hey, I feel like I have plenty of character without being called a heifer or being forced to look at a score that I know in my heart of hearts is just baloney. Madness!

"What to do? What to do?" she said as she taped another page to the bottom of the list and started drawing lines. I'll guess I'll just go ahead and fill in this next line with the name of the new game T.H.E.D.E.V.I.L. just started. "Gonna Catch Up 15-11" (my big fat hiney! it's 21-14!).

(Click the pic for a big version. I did erase some stuff to keep the identity of T.H.E.D.E.V.I.L. a secret.)

February Miracles in the Deep Deep South

The south was laughed at this week. People looked to us and snickered about how pathetic it is to shut down everything for a little snow. I'm aware that nearly every state north of me (there are none south of me) sees snow on occasion and may even find it annoying or mundane. I get it. But realize that we don't even own winter coats down here. There is just no need. How do you drive when there is ice on the road? We have no idea. Why? Because it NEVER gets cold enough for any ice to form on our roads. Again, there is just no need for snow chains or lessons about wintry road conditions.


But let me tell you MY side. Friday morning I got to see my children's faces light up as they saw the very first snow they have ever seen in their lives. I got to walk out in it with them and experience it with them. It was nothing less than pure magic. We got nearly NO accumulation. There were no snowmen, no snow angels and no snow ice cream. It didn't last but a few hours, but those few hours were miraculous and beautiful and memorable. I have experienced snow only two other times in my 43 years. Once in high school in Pearl, Mississippi and once before I had kids in Meridian, Mississippi. Seeing it fall with my kids was like introducing them to an old friend. Point and laugh if you must, but also be aware that something mysterious and otherworldly happened here on Friday. No, they can't take that away from me.

Stuff my Kids say #3

Litkia: (In a very excited voice with a big smile) That was SO COOL!

I told them to wait. I told them not to fool with it. I told them over and over to just give me a second and we'd go outside, but they just would NOT leave it alone. I'm talking about the 2 liter diet coke, 7 piece Mentos debacle of January 2010.

Pateriko got a special little apparatus for launching the festivities in his stocking for Christmas. I blame myself. It was just a plastic tube to load the Mentos and a string to pull when you were ready to release the candy into the coke and watch the explosion. They couldn't stay away from it. Litkia pulled the string totally by accident while we were still in the kitchen. The spewing began. She grabbed the coke and ran. Why? I have no idea. But, she ran to the den with it, spewing the carpet and the clean clothes on the couch and the piano and the wall and then, in some more panic, she decided that was the wrong move and ran BACK into the kitchen and did a few more circles with it, spewing everything in THERE until it finally died down. We all just stood there dumbstruck, wiping the dripping diet coke off of our faces. The kids were silent. Litkia looked tortured. I stayed VERY quiet because I knew whatever came out of my mouth next would be so memorable to these kids. For some reason I had enough sense about me to want it to be positive. When I finally gained control of myself, I asked Litkia, in a concerned and quiet voice, "Are you freaked out?" Her response? "That was SO COOL!!" And please don't tell anybody I said this, but..... it was.

Stuff my kids say #2

As background information for you, Pensacola, Florida is quite close to us and one of our news channels is based out of that area. To celebrate the new year in New York, they watch the ball drop. In Mobile, we watch the moon pie drop. In Pensacola, it's a pelican.

Litkia: We're going to stay up and watch the pelican drop.
Beej: Fine by me. Let me know how that works out.
Moments after midnight:
Beej: Well? Did you see it drop?
Litkia: (in a very disappointed voice) Yes. And it didn't even break!
Beej: Did you think it was going to?
Pateriko: We both did.

Where have I gone wrong?

Stuff my kids say #1

Dirty Larry comes out in his nearly floor length black leather coat.

Pateriko: Dad, you look like Morpheus.
Dirty Larry: Why can't I be Neo?
Litkia: Morpheus is cool. Neo is a whiney-butt.

That's not right.

My friend and I went to dinner the other night and when we returned home, she noticed a large Styrofoam package under the tree that wasn't there when we left. Apparently, a delivery was made while we were gone. I picked it up and realized that it was the steaks that my sister sent to Dirty Larry for his Christmas present. Now, Dirty Larry couldn't have known that there were steaks inside the package, but it WAS labeled in big red letters "HIGHLY PERISHABLE - REFRIGERATE IMMEDIATELY". I asked him what part of high perishable made him want to put it under the tree, but he didn't answer me.

I went ahead and opened the box. I feel like the packaging might have cost more than the meat inside. What a fancy, huge Styrofoam box! My friend immediately asked what I was going to do with it and I told her I was tossing it. She was indignant and begged to take it home with her, which I certainly didn't mind. I have no idea what she'll do with it, but it seemed very important to her that it NOT be thrown away. Also inside this box was a bag of dry ice, the obvious source of refrigeration for shipping. I put the bag into the sink and noticed the words "DO NOT TOUCH! CAN CAUSE BURNS!" I left the kitchen after that, but later realized that Dirty Larry and Litkia hadn't followed me out. I kept hearing them giggling and laughing in there and I finally couldn't stand it anymore and went to see what was so funny. They were poking holes in the bag and adding water, making smoke and watching it boil away. THERE'S a great parenting picture for you. When I walked in, they were both smiling and laughing until they looked up and saw me. Dirty Larry sheepishly said, "Look! The whole kitchen is full of smoke!" I ordered them out.

I have no idea what these steaks are going to taste like but I'll have you know that the gift was MUCH more than the steaks. Even the packaging brought Christmas joy to all and nobody was injured. It's a Christmas miracle.

Perhaps a bell this time?

I am a fan of being creative. I love to MAKE stuff. I like to sew, embroider, needlepoint and crochet. I like painting and drawing although I'm not so talented in those areas. I like using my hands to produce something and then looking at it later and saying, "I did that. I must be very smart." Or even better, showing YOU what I did and letting YOU say, "You did that? You are very smart!"

I believe I got this illness from my mother. She was always sewing something or making a huge embroidered wall hanging full of color and crazy chain stitches and whipped stitches and french knots. And for Christmas, my sisters and I always got something under the tree that was crafty. Almost always, we got a beaded doll kit. Those dolls lined a shelf in the den with their chenille pipe cleaner arms and their sequined, beaded dresses and increased in number by the year. If it wasn't that, it was a loom on which to weave potholders or a kit to make jewelry or pom-pom animals with little googly eyes.

I'm foggy about the exact year, but I think I was about 7 years old when my mother did something new and different. She made a stained glass candle holder, only it wasn't glass, it was made of tiny, melted, clear, colored, plastic pellets of some kind. I will never forget the smell, but likewise, I will never forget the resulting product. It was the shape of a cathedral window and the picture that she formed in the window was Mary, kneeling. The air around her head was a clear midnight blue and the cloth on her head was white. The dress she was wearing was the most amazing color of blue I have ever had the pleasure to drink in with my eyes. The candle was placed behind the window so the light shining through made it even more amazing to look at. I loved that thing with all my heart and I would watch that candle flicker behind the mother of Jesus as long as I was allowed. I don't remember the year it was retired from our Christmas decorating, but I do remember that it was broken and I was so sad when I saw it tossed into the garbage as if it was old and dirty and not made of pure unadulterated goodness and light like I knew to be so.

About 13 years ago, I was in an antique store and I came across an iron, stained glass Christmas tree candle holder. Although it was mostly all wrong in appearance, it tugged strongly at my heartstrings and I had to buy it. It was a symbol of something I had long ago lost. I was very excited and it held an important place in my Christmas decorating. Two years later, I had a garage sale. My neighbor asked if she could place some things in my sale and I told her that she was welcome. She came over with a pile of stuff and amongst it was an iron, stained glass wreath that was absolutely the brother of my tree. I bought her trash and made it my treasure.

Since then, I have acquired four other relatives of the tree, including the tree's twin brother. You may find this to be excessive. It may be. But dear gussy, it makes me happy. And don't think for a second that when I saw another vintage, 1970, iron, stained glass candle holder on eBay this afternoon, I didn't bid immediately. I know Mary Poppins says that enough is as good as a feast, but I tend more toward the more the merrier.

Braces and Brothers

Litkia got her braces today. She was very brave and didn't do a lot of complaining until a few hours after the visit to the orthodontist. Luckily, we were told that this would be the case and the Advil was handy. She pointed to the place in her mouth that was most uncomfortable and told me that she thought the bracket on that particular tooth was too low. I told her that I felt like the orthodontist knew what he was doing when he put it there. She apparently thought about it for a while and came back to tell me that maybe I was right and possibly the bracket was low for a reason. She explained her revelation like this:

You know when you're pushing somebody in a swing and you push them by the head, they just fall out on the ground? But when you push them lower their whole body moves with the swing. They are probably just trying to get my whole tooth to move instead of making it just fall over.

This was good logic, but I seriously had a hard time getting past the part about her pushing somebody out of a swing by their head. How does she know the physics of toppling someone out of a swing by their head unless she's done it herself? Well, the obvious answer to that question is that someone has done it to her. I'll give you three guesses who might have done such a thing. Better yet, I'll just tell you it was Pateriko. He denies it vehemently but I don't believe him for one second.

It takes quite a bit of badgering to get Litkia to react. If she ever really yells, I know that whatever has been happening has gone way past the point of good natured pestering. I keep thinking it's a good thing she doesn't hold a grudge easily or the piles and piles of wrongs that have been done to her by her brother would have long ago come around to haunt him. But, having said that, I won't be surprised when it does. (Nor will I let it bother me in the least.)

Things that I haven't forgotten

Today I present a list of things that grownups said or directly told me when I was younger, that have somehow stuck in my brain. I'm not saying they were important things, or even helpful things. I'm just saying I remember them.

1. "When your grandfather and I owned a grocery store early in our marriage, I used to steal half dollars from the register and put them in my shoes so I'd have spending money. Your grandfather was stingy with his money." Paternal grandmother

2. "If you swallow watermelon seeds you'll grow watermelons out your ears." Maternal grandfather

3. "One day you'll learn." "One day you'll understand." and other variations on this same theme. Daddy (and he was right).

4. "Girls do NOT call boys". Guess who said that.

5. "I couldn't see the words", was my paternal grandfather's response, when my Daddy asked him why he wasn't singing the hymns in church. It made me very sad because I was the one holding the hymnal too low.

6. My maternal grandmother reacted to everything with the words, "Dear Gussy". My older sister says that all the time now. Makes me smile.

7. "If you haven't seen a little slip by now, it's high time you did." High school choral director, speaking to a male member of the choir who was pointing out that someone's slip was showing to another male member of the choir.

8. "This is the tiniest record player in the word (holds up thumb and index finger together and rubs them together) playing 'my heart bleeds peanut butter for you'." Ronnie McCall

9. "My Aunt Minnie, she died last night. She died a right way and she died a wrong way." This is a very long story and I never DID figure out this stupid game that Jay Hollowell was trying to play with me.

10. "We're healing". Overheard because the adult that said it knew I was within earshot and wanted me to hear it and to take it back to my parents (more than likely)...which I did.

11. "I don't mind giving shots, but I won't let anybody give me one. That scares me to death." This was said by the nurse who just given me a vaccination. Ruth Ruffin.

12. "Feel these!" Aunt Betty after having reconstructive breast surgery due to a mastectomy for breast cancer. I was horrified.

13. "I'll tell you when it's time to worry." Mother told me this all the time. Apparently I was a worry-wart. She only told me that it was time to worry ONCE. She was right about that.

14. "Will you bring me a lock of your hair the next time you get it cut?" I had no idea at the time how creepy that was coming from the Dad of a friend of mine. I was a child. I did it. I found out recently that he still has it. Ick.

15. "THREE LICKS" Said to me by my junior high principal as he stuck out three fingers toward me. He saw me toss a pencil to the person sitting in the desk behind me and used me as an example for the class. I didn't get the licks, but he sufficiently scared me into never throwing ANYTHING again.

I know this was pretty random. But hey, it's me. That's what I do.

That is all.

All Hallows Eve

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a land called Mississippi State University, there was a group of kids who decided to have a haunted house at their dorm. The Beej was part of this group and she thoroughly enjoyed being involved in such an undertaking, and took her part very seriously.

Okay, no more third person stuff. Too hard.

So, I was ready for this haunted house, because I had always been the type of kid who would put on a sheet and make my face look horrible and pale (-er than usual) and scare the kids in the neighborhood who came by to trick-or-treat. When I was in grade school, I had a friend with an older brother who scared the devil out of me EVERY STINKING Halloween, by sitting on the porch, very still, dressed as scarecrow. As soon as I got close to the door, he would jump up and run toward me in an effort to KILL ME DEAD and I would run away screaming and begging for my life. I never forgot that and decided that every kid in my neighborhood should suffer the same fate. I was just passing along the joy, you know?

Anyway, this particular Halloween at MSU was no different than usual, except that I was getting to try to scare people on a larger scale. (This part of the story doesn't have a good ending by the way.) I remember vividly, getting ready for the festivities that night, looking in the mirror and painting my face to look like a skeleton, when the phone rang. It was my Daddy. I was still looking at my ghoulish face in the mirror when he told me that my Grandfather, his Dad, had just died. I will never forget the feeling of looking at myself in that moment, playing around with the idea of death, and suddenly realizing how very NOT FUN it was. I went on with my part in the haunted house, but that was a very hard night for me.

I never wanted to deprive my kids of Halloween, but I would never let them dress as anything scary. Luckily, they never really wanted to. I'm glad I didn't eschew it completely like I thought I would that night, but I can promise you I never looked at it the same way again. This year, Litkia will be some strange version of the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland and Pateriko will help his grandmother man a booth at the church's fall festival with the sleeves that make him look like his arm is tattooed. I'm good with that.

As always...click the pics for a bigger version!