Lies that Daddies Tell

I firmly believe that you can't be a truly GREAT dad unless you can master the art of lying to your children. A lie, by definition is an incorrect or false statement and doesn't necessarily have to have a negative impact. I'm not talking about lying maliciously with intent to harm or anything, I'm talking about telling your 14-year-old daughter that Roses is closed on Saturday at 2:00 in the afternoon, or telling her that it's against the law to ride in the car at night with the overhead lights on like my own father did. Another prime example would be telling your children that you train dragonflies to land in your spare time or that you picked their mother up from a dumpster somewhere but she just doesn't remember it.

I think one of the biggest jobs of a Dad is to make the eyes of their daughters roll up in their sockets and to make their sons shake their heads in disbelief. It's a gift and a right and an obligation. A dad should be able to tell these lies with a perfectly straight face and be able to stick to their story, even when closely questioned. When a dad is asked a question about something and he is unsure of the answer, he should quickly be able to make something up off the cuff and spout off an answer as if it were God's truth. He should be so believable in his lies that he has them truly convinced that the scar on his leg was from a shark bite he got while snorkeling in Belize.

Here's a good, true life example of a daddy lie:

Dirty Larry: Kids, do you know about dinosaurs that are herbivores?

Kids: Yes, they only eat plants.

Dirty Larry: Good! What about a carnivore?

Kids: A dinosaur that eats meat!

Dirty Larry: Great! Now...what is a reservoir?

Kids: Um....*silence*

Dirty Larry: That's a dinosaur that only eats at restaurants.

Litkia: Oh!

Pateriko: *silence...shakes head*

You know, if I were completely honest, I'm still not sure if it's actually against the law to drive barefoot or not.

I think maybe psycho

There's tenderhearted and then there's psycho. I'm trying to determine which of these labels best fits my son.

This is the child who at 4, would burst into tears watching his Disney Sing-A-Long Video that had the song "Somewhere Out There" on it. (see blog song) The song was next to last on the video and I had to be sure that if he watched that video, I made it into the den in plenty of time to remove it from the player before that song came on, otherwise I'd have a blubbering mess on my hands. I can't say how many times I looked up from what I was doing and realized that it was too late because I could hear the sad strains of that song coming from the other room. I would have to go running in there, just moments too late and wipe his crying, pathetic little self off the floor.

This is the same child who at 5, came to me crying because he felt so sorry for Porky Pig. You realize that Porky Pig has a stutter, yes? Well, Pateriko grieved for him and wished him the gift of correct speech. It didn't matter to him that Porky was a big star or that Porky didn't seem to be too upset by his handicap. He just mourned for him.

This child watched 20/20 without my permission when he was in the 2nd grade and came to me so upset to learn that there were people in the world who had a disease that kept them from ever sleeping. Oh how he fretted over that one!

Through the years, there have been so many things that made me label him as tenderhearted and maybe a little melancholy, but he has been so much better these last couple of years. That is, until these past couple of weeks. I saw him, once again, become emotionally unwound over something that didn't deserve that much attention. This time, it was a lizard. A lizard, riding on the windshield of the car, down the highway, hanging on for his dear, lizard life. Pateriko was visibly upset. He couldn't bear to watch this little green reptile flung to his death. So, being the good and patient mother that I am, I stopped the car at the next convenient spot and he got out and flicked the little fellow to safety. He got back in the car, most obviously relieved. It was a solid week later when the same thing happened, but this time it was a praying mantis. A bug mind you. An evil bug at that. But this creature had to be rescued from a certain death on the windshield of the jeep as well. I did ask him what size an animal had to be before he would just allow it to be blown off to it's unknown destiny and his response was that he shouldn't be able to see it's face.

So, armed with all this information, how is it that this same child can play a video game where he is given two paths to follow (good versus evil) and he inevitably picks evil? He chooses to become the killer of his peers and seems to enjoy the carnage he leaves in his wake. WHAT is UP with THAT?

I had no idea.

It doesn’t normally occur to me to wonder what my husband is doing when he’s not in my presence, but I was told something shocking today by my children. Dirty Larry actually revealed one the secrets of his daily life to them that even I wasn’t privy to. He told them that sometimes he didn’t go to work. He said that sometimes, he just spends his day training dragonflies to land on tall skinny things like car antennas and gladiolas. He told the kids that if they are adult dragonflies it can take only a day but the newborns require more like a week to learn how to light correctly. When I confronted him about it today, he acknowledged his participation in this activity but corrected me by telling me that it was dragonflies AND butterflies. Then I asked him if he got paid to do this or if he just did it for God for free. He shook his head “no” to say that there was no money involved and then said, “It makes me happy”.

Seriously. No idea.

I think Jesus frowns on this...

What is wrong with this crazy mixed up world? What happened to the days when your Cracker Jacks had popcorn AND peanuts? Not to mention a REAL prize like a spinner made out of actual tin and not just some punch out cardboard rocking clown that you have to assemble. I quit buying Cracker Jacks long ago because the peanuts had all but disappeared. I'm pretty sure that I can say I never DID get anything made out of tin from a box of this snack, even as a child, although legend has it that tin toys did exist. Sailor Jack and his dog, Bingo, have let me down.

So, just for the record, Fiddle Faddle, Crunch N Munch, Poppycock and all their knock off type counterparts are doing no better. Where are the peanuts people? That's the best part! I say if you're going to allow the ratio of popcorn to peanuts to be, say....100:3, then the picture you have as advertisement should reflect that. I think it should be against the law to show all those peanuts as if that's what you were being offered, because it's very disconcerting to open the box in anticipation of a danged peanut and not get one. Or at the very least it should be considered a sin. I'm fairly certain Jesus would NOT be happy.

To add insult to injury, the nutrition information on the side of the box says that one box is 3.5 servings. Who eats half a serving? Who is going to open the box and eat half a serving and then close it back? Plus your half a serving isn't going to have a peanut it in. I can almost guarantee that. One serving is 120 calories. So that whole box of popcorn with approximately 3 peanuts included actually costs you 420 calories. That's nearly the same caloric value as 4 Curly Wurly's!! Have you HAD a Curly Wurly? No? You most definitely should. They don't have any peanuts, but they never CLAIMED to. See?

Unforgettable...that's what you are.

I wonder sometimes if you remember me. I want to believe that you do because there is some truly significant part of me that craves to be remembered. Besides, I remember all of you. I remember some of you better than others. You may have passed through my life only briefly, but I'll bet donuts to dollars that you made some sort of impression on me. Maybe you were the girl that was so innocently sweet and polite, who smiled at me and spoke so quietly I had to lean forward to hear what she was saying, or possibly the boy who was late every single day, walking in with disheveled hair like he had just rolled out of bed. I remember you, my four sandy-haired playmates, turning cartwheels in the front yard and catching bees. I also remember how I felt when Daddy told me you all died in the same car accident. What an impact you guys made! And you! You were the one who came to visit for a weekend. I slept in the room with my sister so you could use my room during your stay. I cried when you left because I felt pretty sure I would never see you again as long as I lived, and guess what? I didn't. But I sure do remember you fondly.

You were mean-spirited. You were so skinny! You couldn't stop touching my hair. Your eyes were two different colors. You put ice in your milk every morning. I liked you because you said what you meant without backing down. I didn't adore you because you told me I was fat. You had an imaginary friend. That was so much fun! You said something to me that I will never forget. I loved how you played the piano. You made me laugh when you made a face while I was singing. I just flat out admired you. You had the worst breath. You had some really big feet. I wanted your direction.

And that was only twenty of you. There are so many hundreds and hundreds of you here in my head. How could I ever forget you? I'm holding tight to you too. Don't get the impression that I ever want you to go away, because I don't. And that includes those of you whose memory evokes tears. You all had a hand in making me who I turned out to be. I wouldn't trade you for the world.

I remember you.

What Did Dirty Larry Bring Me Today? Episode #12

Let me just say that there is absolutely no reason why Beej should ever be walking around with a wrinkled face or not smelling up to par, because Dirty Larry keeps her in the good smelling stuff and the super duper face creams. I can't help but wonder if he's trying to tell me something. Actually, Dirty Larry attended a manager's meeting last week, geered toward the cosmetic vendors. This nice haul, displayed decoratively on my new Dolce and Gabbana towel, is the latest bunch of goodies brought home to the Beej. I must say that there was MUCH more, but the rest was oriented to men, so I took no notice. What that champagne had to do with cosmetics, I do not know, but look at that cute little tiny bottle!



Read Previous Episodes of "What Did Dirty Larry Bring Me Today"!

Refrigerator Saga

March 2006 – We buy a fridge. We are happy. It’s shiny. I give it cheese and sweet tea and I put my Café Du Monde magnet and pictures of the children on the front.

One year later – Fridge makes a horrible noise. It is obviously in some sort of horrific pain. We have the fridge repaired under warranty. Something about the motor? I don’t know, but it runs again and we didn’t have to pay anything. All is well.

July 6, 2009 – The fridge decides not to work. I try to think about what I could have done to cause this defiant behavior, but I think it’s not my fault. It’s 3 years old. I know how 3 year olds act. Maybe that’s it.

Day 1 – I call Samsung. They ask me lots of questions and take all my information. They tell me that a repair person will contact me within 24 hours. I wait.

Day 2 – Nobody calls.

Day 3 – I call Samsung again and explain that I have yet to be contacted by the repairman. Guess what they said? They wanted to know if I had called the repairman myself. I said, “No, I didn’t, because you told me the repairman would contact me.” They said, “Oh no, you need to contact THEM.” I said, “Then WHY did you tell me to wait for 24 hours on a call from somebody that I was supposed to be contacting and then not even bother to tell me who to contact?” They really just mumbled some crap right here but long story short, she gave me a number to call for the local repair company that we were to use. I call. I get a machine. I leave a message. I wait.

Day 4 – Nobody calls me back. So I call again and finally get a person on the phone. I make an appointment for someone to come out that afternoon. Said repairman arrives, takes a look and says “Hey! This motor has no fan!” We are all amazed that it has run 2 years without one. He orders a part and vows to be back tomorrow.

Let me stop here to point out how incredulous the guy was that it had been running for two years without a fan. He was so incredulous, in fact, that at one point I did feel the need to reassure him that I had never, no never, pulled the fridge from the wall and removed the fan for any reason. I wonder if it’s an important enough miracle that we should contact some religious faction, but somehow I sort of doubt it. It did, after all, eventually stop working. The real miracle would be if it was STILL going. But, I digress.

Day 5 – Repair guy replaces motor and fan but apparently is missing a tiny part he needs to complete the job. He leaves the house to get it and actually returns by 5:00 to finish the job. He says he is all done and it should be cold pretty soon. We pay him $200. By the time we go to bed, our fridge is not cold…

Day 6 – Not cold. But it’s Saturday.

Day 7 – Not cold. But it’s Sunday.

Day 8 – Called the guy to come back and try again. He says he’ll order a compressor.

Day 11 – Guy comes to weld in the compressor but runs out of something he needs to finish the job. Vows to return first thing in the morning.

Day 12 – Guy arrives around 2:30 in the afternoon and finishes welding in the compressor. He hangs around in the kitchen for a long, long time before he sheepishly calls for me to come talk to him. He pronounces the refrigerator “condemned”. Condemned to what, I do not know. Hell maybe? A life of hard labor in a work camp? At any rate, he says he will start the paperwork to begin the process of getting a new replacement fridge. We are still under warranty. I wait.

Day 13 through Day 22 - These days are not worth talking about, really. There was a lot of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. There were many bags of ice purchased and many phone calls made. There was lamenting over lack of cheese and cold tea. There was gaining of weight due to take out food and the feeling of camping out in a perfectly good house.

Day 23 – We are actually able to ORDER the new fridge. It is NOT the fridge I wanted because the one I wanted will not fit in my teensy-tiny kitchen. At this point, I truly don’t see renovation as an option. That’s okay. My second choice in black will be fine. Wait….are you saying I can’t have this black one delivered until Day 43? FORTY-THREE? (Aug 17). So, you say I can have the same one in white delivered on Day 27? I’ll take it.

I’ll let you know on Saturday whether we have a fridge and whether I am able to give it sweet tea and cheese and place my Café Du Monde magnet and the pictures of my children on the front. (because I know you care)

What's cooler than bein' cool? ICE COLD

I've been without a refrigerator since Monday morning. I can't begin to count the bags of ice we have purchased since that time. I have now decided that it's TOO MUCH trouble trying to save the contents of the fridge in ice chests and I intend to take it all to my mama. My kids seem to be living over there with their cousins anyway, so their food may as well live there too. The thing I miss most is my tea pitcher. I'm so used to drinking cold tea all day long. I guess I could make a pitcher and stick it down in the ice chest with the cheese and the mayo, but when I pull it out, it'll be all drippy and gross and there'll be a mess to clean up every time I get thirsty. I'd rather whine about not having any tea.


I've been without it before. During hurricane season, we inevitably have to live without a fridge for a bit, but it's very sunny outside right now and it seems so wrong. It's like everything's been put on hold in what I feel is such an unnecessary way. And dealing with Samsung (I KNOW...who knew Samsung made refrigerators?? That was the FIRST mistake I guess) and the repairman has been nigh unto murder provoking. I'm trying VERY hard to talk nice to people, but my patience is wearing thin.

I had a friend tell me to put the fridge under my pillow tonight and the refrigerator fairy would bring me a new one in the morning. I'm very excited about the possibilities of that, but I think it would just be easier to take my pillow to the kitchen and camp out on top of the fridge instead of trying to get the fridge into the bed. I wonder if that would work just as well. Something tells me that it will.

Way too hard

Tonight I got a call from my friend, Coco. She was letting me know that "60 minutes" was on and although it was a rerun, Bon Jovi was the featured subject. She tells me this because she cares. So I go to the den, so unassuming and naive, to turn on the TV to CBS, which should be channel 5 if I remember my days of watching "Survivor" correctly. I turn the TV on and there I find only static. I turn to channel 5 and there is still static. I remember that we are now digital and make sure that crazy box on the top of the TV is showing a green light instead of a red. It is green, but there is still static. My first instinct is to call one of the kids for help, but alas, they aren't home. In fact, they won't be home until Tuesday. Dirty Larry is off running an errand. I gather up all the remote controls that I can find, hoping that one of them will blink something at me that seems familiar or maybe, if they are worth anything at all, they will just start speaking and tell me how the heck to watch Bon Jovi. I start pushing buttons willy-nilly but only have luck in making the static much louder.

Because God is good to me, even when I don't deserve it, Dirty Larry walked in the door right at the moment I was about to commit a crime against an electronic device. He very calmly did some stuff....I don't know what (later he admitted to me that it was what Litkia had taught him to do), but it worked and I was able to bask in the glow of the TV while Jon Bon Jovi was speaking such nice words and looking so pretty.

I hate TV. And, I hate it even worse now that it's digital. What a waste of time and electricity. Don't people know about Netflix and Facebook? Now THOSE are worthwhile time wasters....sheesh.

Things I found..PLUS...visual aides

I'm very intrigued because I found this unidentified object on the floor in the hallway. It's very hard plastic and has a hole in it lengthwise, all the way to the center on either side, but not all the way through. Nobody in the house recognizes it or claims it. I don't really think it was planted by aliens for purposes of spying, and I don't think it has any value....I think it's possibly just a piece of trash. But, for some reason, I can't bring myself to throw it away. It's driving me nuts.



I also found THIS thing. Only THIS thing was outside. I knew IMMEDIATELY what it was and it was NOT mine so I told it to go away.
I found this bag of homegrown tomatoes and peppers on my mama's kitchen counter. They are now on MY kitchen counter. Look at those little yellow ones...those are my favorite.


I found these impatiens at a local flower seller. She didn't take debit cards and I didn't have any cash with me. She told me to take them and pay her back another time. I couldn't believe it. Do people DO that anymore? It felt a lot like stealing but she was so insistent. Since I had already stolen my mama's tomatoes, I figured I was already in trouble so I took her up on her offer. I'm leaving to pay her now, but...


....I need to find some money first.