For shame, for shame...

If you pass by my house on foot or on your bike, or if you drive into my driveway in your car and check my meter, or if you come to my front door to visit, there's a very real possibility that my dog, who will be in the back yard, may start talking to you. And of course by talking to you, I mean barking incessantly and in the very most obnoxious way until you want to throw something at him. I'm not sure what he'll be telling you. It could be any number of things. For example "Hello person! I don't think I've made your acquaintance. How are you today? Do you have a tennis ball handy?" or maybe "Please go away kind sir, you do not belong here and I may have to do you bodily harm if you get any closer." I have no idea what he's saying because he is a dog and I do not speak dog. When the mailman comes, I'm pretty sure he's saying "Mail's here! Mail's here! Mail's here!" and when he sees a squirrel, I think he's saying "It's a squirrel! Squirrel! Hey! A squirrel!" Those are the only two that I think I understand for sure. At any rate, my promise to you, friend, is that he will bark.


What my dog will NOT do, however, is jump on you. If you are walking on the street, my dog will not come racing out to you and try to eat you because he will be locked up behind a gate. I have been frightened by too many dogs to ever allow my dog to scare you or your children when you're out for a walk or a bike ride. If I invite you into my home, my dog will not jump up on you and try to lick your face off due to extreme happiness at your presence because he will either be shut up in the laundry room or again, in the back yard, safely behind a closed door. If you venture into the back yard, I can't help you there. I will however, warn you of the dangers of dirty dog paws on your good pants if you choose to go out there, but I will STILL do my dead level best to keep him away from you.


I know you think your dog is sweet and would never hurt a fly and that he's only a puppy (even though he seems a lot like a horse to me) and that he would never bite (even if his bark sounds pretty harsh). The problem is that I am completely unaware of any of those things about your dog, and when he comes flying off your front porch at me growling, showing his teeth and acting like I'm lunch, it scares me. Heck, when he comes flying off the porch towards me and doesn't bark or show his teeth it scares me. Shame on you for letting him scare me. Shame on you for letting him run the neighborhood chasing me on my bike while I scream and worry about him nipping my ankles. Do you know how stupid I look when that happens? It's humiliating. Shame on you for making it difficult for me to have fun with my family in my own neighborhood. Shame on you for not honoring the leash laws of this city.


What you do in your own home is your own concern. If you let your dogs jump on the company, that's completely up to you. It's your house. I can't make you do any different, and if I don't like it I suppose I can steer clear. But please, let me be outside minding my own business without your dog interfering. Kthx.

A Little Princess

You may already know that I got a spiffy new iPhone not too long ago. I have since downloaded and deleted many interesting applications for said phone. One of the happier ones that managed to withstand my furious deletion was BeamItDown iFLOW Reader. The version I got was free and the books that came with it were all children's classics. Of course, there are plenty of books to buy, which I'm sure I'll never do, but in the meantime, I'm reading all these children's books while I wait to see the doctor or wait in the car for the kids to come out of wherever they are. I've finished "The Secret Garden" and "Aesop's Fables". Last night I finished "A Little Princess". I have to admit that it smacked a lot of "The Secret Garden", but they were both written by the same person, so maybe that's why.



At any rate, I just need to talk about it. That sweet little precious love of a girl behaved so beautifully through her adversity that it made my heart twist up in a knot. She was so strong and kind and amazingly in control of her little emotions. I am fully aware that her behavior was the key to everything working out in the end. However, I just have to admit that I kept hoping that she'd just haul off and kick that horrible old Miss Minchin right in the shin. I really wanted her to eat ALL SIX of the hot buns instead of giving FIVE of them to one hungry, little, dirty member of the populace, leaving only ONE for her own starving self. I wished for her to smack that hateful Lavinia right in the mouth for once, but she never did. I know the author was trying to make a point. I get it. But sheesh. Thank heavens this book was written for children and these lessons were lessons that children should apply to their lives. I figure if she wanted somebody as old as me to learn something she would have named it "A BIG Princess".

Comforting Cornbread

Let’s talk about cornbread.

I love cornbread. Alottabit. Cornbread is one of those things that I can cook and actually cook well. When I make cornbread, the smoke alarm never goes off like when I make cookies, because somehow, cornbread is more important than cookies. I very rarely ever get it wrong anymore. It’s crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, but firm enough to stay together with no obnoxious crumbling. Cornbread is great for crumbling in your soup, but YOU should be the crumbler. It shouldn't do that on its own accord.

My mother taught me how to make cornbread, just as her mother taught her. She tells the story of her brother stealing the good crispy outside of the whole skillet of bread by stretching out his long fingers over the top and giving it a good twist. Up it came in a big circle and then he’d run away with it. He ran because he knew my grandmother would be directly behind him, mad as a hornet about his bad behavior. It was always too late for her to do anything about it. He was too fast and the damage was already done. That is a BIG, BIG no-no around here. Everybody should get their fair share of the top layer. Of course it’s not even the top layer, it’s the bottom layer. When you take the skillet out of the oven, you turn it over to get it out so, the top becomes the bottom. If you don’t know cornbread, there’s a good chance you don’t even know what I’m talking about and that just makes me very sad for you. This picture is a close representation of what cornbread SHOULD look like, only it's obviously a little crumblier than I like and has some peppers or something in it. People really shouldn't mess up good cornbread with extraneous stuff.

If you live anywhere North of Tennessee or have only eaten cornbread in a restaurant, I’m willing to bet you are one of the deprived. Cornbread should NOT be bright yellow. Jiffy has a corn muffin mix, which should never, no never, be confused with cornbread. Jiffy is for the weak. Jiffy leaves a bad taste in my mouth. No, I’m serious. It really does. It’s a pasty bitter aftertaste. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it.

Cornbread is best when served with soup or pot liquor. Cornbread was meant for soaking up the juice left in the peas or the turnip greens. My grandmother believed that cornbread crumbled in buttermilk and eaten with a spoon was the cat’s pj’s. My eldest sister does the same thing, only with milk. Those wouldn’t be my favorite uses for cornbread, but I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Field peas and fresh tomatoes with hot cornbread…sigh. Comfort food is what that is. Just comforting.