Lies that Daddies Tell

I firmly believe that you can't be a truly GREAT dad unless you can master the art of lying to your children. A lie, by definition is an incorrect or false statement and doesn't necessarily have to have a negative impact. I'm not talking about lying maliciously with intent to harm or anything, I'm talking about telling your 14-year-old daughter that Roses is closed on Saturday at 2:00 in the afternoon, or telling her that it's against the law to ride in the car at night with the overhead lights on like my own father did. Another prime example would be telling your children that you train dragonflies to land in your spare time or that you picked their mother up from a dumpster somewhere but she just doesn't remember it.

I think one of the biggest jobs of a Dad is to make the eyes of their daughters roll up in their sockets and to make their sons shake their heads in disbelief. It's a gift and a right and an obligation. A dad should be able to tell these lies with a perfectly straight face and be able to stick to their story, even when closely questioned. When a dad is asked a question about something and he is unsure of the answer, he should quickly be able to make something up off the cuff and spout off an answer as if it were God's truth. He should be so believable in his lies that he has them truly convinced that the scar on his leg was from a shark bite he got while snorkeling in Belize.

Here's a good, true life example of a daddy lie:

Dirty Larry: Kids, do you know about dinosaurs that are herbivores?

Kids: Yes, they only eat plants.

Dirty Larry: Good! What about a carnivore?

Kids: A dinosaur that eats meat!

Dirty Larry: Great! Now...what is a reservoir?

Kids: Um....*silence*

Dirty Larry: That's a dinosaur that only eats at restaurants.

Litkia: Oh!

Pateriko: *silence...shakes head*

You know, if I were completely honest, I'm still not sure if it's actually against the law to drive barefoot or not.

I think maybe psycho

There's tenderhearted and then there's psycho. I'm trying to determine which of these labels best fits my son.

This is the child who at 4, would burst into tears watching his Disney Sing-A-Long Video that had the song "Somewhere Out There" on it. (see blog song) The song was next to last on the video and I had to be sure that if he watched that video, I made it into the den in plenty of time to remove it from the player before that song came on, otherwise I'd have a blubbering mess on my hands. I can't say how many times I looked up from what I was doing and realized that it was too late because I could hear the sad strains of that song coming from the other room. I would have to go running in there, just moments too late and wipe his crying, pathetic little self off the floor.

This is the same child who at 5, came to me crying because he felt so sorry for Porky Pig. You realize that Porky Pig has a stutter, yes? Well, Pateriko grieved for him and wished him the gift of correct speech. It didn't matter to him that Porky was a big star or that Porky didn't seem to be too upset by his handicap. He just mourned for him.

This child watched 20/20 without my permission when he was in the 2nd grade and came to me so upset to learn that there were people in the world who had a disease that kept them from ever sleeping. Oh how he fretted over that one!

Through the years, there have been so many things that made me label him as tenderhearted and maybe a little melancholy, but he has been so much better these last couple of years. That is, until these past couple of weeks. I saw him, once again, become emotionally unwound over something that didn't deserve that much attention. This time, it was a lizard. A lizard, riding on the windshield of the car, down the highway, hanging on for his dear, lizard life. Pateriko was visibly upset. He couldn't bear to watch this little green reptile flung to his death. So, being the good and patient mother that I am, I stopped the car at the next convenient spot and he got out and flicked the little fellow to safety. He got back in the car, most obviously relieved. It was a solid week later when the same thing happened, but this time it was a praying mantis. A bug mind you. An evil bug at that. But this creature had to be rescued from a certain death on the windshield of the jeep as well. I did ask him what size an animal had to be before he would just allow it to be blown off to it's unknown destiny and his response was that he shouldn't be able to see it's face.

So, armed with all this information, how is it that this same child can play a video game where he is given two paths to follow (good versus evil) and he inevitably picks evil? He chooses to become the killer of his peers and seems to enjoy the carnage he leaves in his wake. WHAT is UP with THAT?

I had no idea.

It doesn’t normally occur to me to wonder what my husband is doing when he’s not in my presence, but I was told something shocking today by my children. Dirty Larry actually revealed one the secrets of his daily life to them that even I wasn’t privy to. He told them that sometimes he didn’t go to work. He said that sometimes, he just spends his day training dragonflies to land on tall skinny things like car antennas and gladiolas. He told the kids that if they are adult dragonflies it can take only a day but the newborns require more like a week to learn how to light correctly. When I confronted him about it today, he acknowledged his participation in this activity but corrected me by telling me that it was dragonflies AND butterflies. Then I asked him if he got paid to do this or if he just did it for God for free. He shook his head “no” to say that there was no money involved and then said, “It makes me happy”.

Seriously. No idea.

I think Jesus frowns on this...

What is wrong with this crazy mixed up world? What happened to the days when your Cracker Jacks had popcorn AND peanuts? Not to mention a REAL prize like a spinner made out of actual tin and not just some punch out cardboard rocking clown that you have to assemble. I quit buying Cracker Jacks long ago because the peanuts had all but disappeared. I'm pretty sure that I can say I never DID get anything made out of tin from a box of this snack, even as a child, although legend has it that tin toys did exist. Sailor Jack and his dog, Bingo, have let me down.

So, just for the record, Fiddle Faddle, Crunch N Munch, Poppycock and all their knock off type counterparts are doing no better. Where are the peanuts people? That's the best part! I say if you're going to allow the ratio of popcorn to peanuts to be, say....100:3, then the picture you have as advertisement should reflect that. I think it should be against the law to show all those peanuts as if that's what you were being offered, because it's very disconcerting to open the box in anticipation of a danged peanut and not get one. Or at the very least it should be considered a sin. I'm fairly certain Jesus would NOT be happy.

To add insult to injury, the nutrition information on the side of the box says that one box is 3.5 servings. Who eats half a serving? Who is going to open the box and eat half a serving and then close it back? Plus your half a serving isn't going to have a peanut it in. I can almost guarantee that. One serving is 120 calories. So that whole box of popcorn with approximately 3 peanuts included actually costs you 420 calories. That's nearly the same caloric value as 4 Curly Wurly's!! Have you HAD a Curly Wurly? No? You most definitely should. They don't have any peanuts, but they never CLAIMED to. See?

Unforgettable...that's what you are.

I wonder sometimes if you remember me. I want to believe that you do because there is some truly significant part of me that craves to be remembered. Besides, I remember all of you. I remember some of you better than others. You may have passed through my life only briefly, but I'll bet donuts to dollars that you made some sort of impression on me. Maybe you were the girl that was so innocently sweet and polite, who smiled at me and spoke so quietly I had to lean forward to hear what she was saying, or possibly the boy who was late every single day, walking in with disheveled hair like he had just rolled out of bed. I remember you, my four sandy-haired playmates, turning cartwheels in the front yard and catching bees. I also remember how I felt when Daddy told me you all died in the same car accident. What an impact you guys made! And you! You were the one who came to visit for a weekend. I slept in the room with my sister so you could use my room during your stay. I cried when you left because I felt pretty sure I would never see you again as long as I lived, and guess what? I didn't. But I sure do remember you fondly.

You were mean-spirited. You were so skinny! You couldn't stop touching my hair. Your eyes were two different colors. You put ice in your milk every morning. I liked you because you said what you meant without backing down. I didn't adore you because you told me I was fat. You had an imaginary friend. That was so much fun! You said something to me that I will never forget. I loved how you played the piano. You made me laugh when you made a face while I was singing. I just flat out admired you. You had the worst breath. You had some really big feet. I wanted your direction.

And that was only twenty of you. There are so many hundreds and hundreds of you here in my head. How could I ever forget you? I'm holding tight to you too. Don't get the impression that I ever want you to go away, because I don't. And that includes those of you whose memory evokes tears. You all had a hand in making me who I turned out to be. I wouldn't trade you for the world.

I remember you.

What Did Dirty Larry Bring Me Today? Episode #12

Let me just say that there is absolutely no reason why Beej should ever be walking around with a wrinkled face or not smelling up to par, because Dirty Larry keeps her in the good smelling stuff and the super duper face creams. I can't help but wonder if he's trying to tell me something. Actually, Dirty Larry attended a manager's meeting last week, geered toward the cosmetic vendors. This nice haul, displayed decoratively on my new Dolce and Gabbana towel, is the latest bunch of goodies brought home to the Beej. I must say that there was MUCH more, but the rest was oriented to men, so I took no notice. What that champagne had to do with cosmetics, I do not know, but look at that cute little tiny bottle!



Read Previous Episodes of "What Did Dirty Larry Bring Me Today"!