Well I never!!

I think something may be wrong with us. My family, I mean. I've come to notice over many years of observing human behavior, that people are just prone to belch, blow their nose and experience flatulence occasionally. My family does none of those things. Well...okay, we do those things, but we certainly don't do them in front of each other and certainly not in front of anybody else. This morning, I decided it was a sickness. I think our behavior may be abnormal. I was sitting at the table and Litkia jumped up and left the room. She got a Kleenex and started blowing her nose in the next room. Now, I SAY she was blowing her nose, but it was the most pathetic blowing of a nose I've ever heard. It was like she was purposely trying to be quiet. I yelled to her from my seated position, "BLOW IT for Pete's sake. What GOOD are you doing like that?" So she just gave up being shy about the noise and blew it. In the car later I asked her a few questions, like "WHY are you embarrassed to blow your nose in front of people? Did I do that to you? Did I tell you that you should be embarrassed about blowing your nose in front of people? Do you think other people feel the same way that we do?" She had no answers for me. I started telling her about my friend who tends to burp a lot and how she's never embarrassed about it. Litkia named her immediately; almost without hesitation. The reason she KNEW who I was talking about is because she has NOTICED. It isn't normal behavior in her eyes and I'm sure my friend was judged harshly in Litkia's head. It goes WAY beyond just trying not to be offensive to people, it's more like a moral issue or something. You know? Like....people who are willing to make disgusting noises in front of other people can't possibly have a personal relationship with Jesus. That's bound to be wrong thinking. I should be more accomodating. So I will try, but I'd be lying if I told you it didn't bother me.

Bad Boys II

In my rush to talk about evil shoplifters last night, I omitted the most amazing story of all. Dirty Larry said they caught a guy a few weeks ago, that he actually knew as a customer at a jewelry store he managed several years ago. The man is 65 years old and very wealthy. At the time he was caught shoplifting, he had $600 in his pocket and a $28,000 Rolex on his wrist. Guess what he was taking? A $2.75 Godiva chocolate candy bar. He actually finished eating it as they were detaining him, I think as a sign of his indifference. Apparently, he had never been caught stealing in the store before, but he was marked as suspicious on so many occasions, they used the candy bar theft as a way to issue a "trespass" and keep him out of the store.

I still don't get it even after a good night's sleep.

Bad Boys Bad Boys - Whatcha' gonna do?

When Dirty Larry came home from work today, I asked him how his day went. He said it was fine. I asked him what he did and he said, "Put somebody in jail, you know, normal stuff". The stories he tells about shoplifters never cease to amaze me. They arrest an average of 4 people a week, all of which go directly to jail where they can make bond. They eventually go to court and get slapped on the wrist and might even get probation or have to do a little community service or something, but rarely does anyone have to actually serve any jail time. They are all served with what he calls a "trespass" which bars them from the property or any sister properties owned by the company. He estimates that the 4 they catch is about 1/3 of the total of the shoplifting activity going on.

There is a camera room where operators sit and scan the store, looking for tell tale signs, which to their trained eyes are obvious. The major two things are (1) people who enter the store with large shopping bags on their person, especially one that bears the store name or the name of a store that isn't anywhere in the area and (2) people who enter with baby strollers. The operators are constantly talking to the computer monitors, begging the suspicious people to abort their mission, especially when they have their kids with them. "Don't do it, lady! Don't do it!" But sadly, some people just don't seem to receive the message via ESP.

I asked him to tell me the saddest encounter he had and he said it was hands down the times where the people had their children with them. The children get understandably upset. He immediately starts telling them to call somebody to come get their kids because when the police cart them away, the kids will automatically go to DHR. He hates it when people don't believe him and let too much time pass before they call somebody.

I just don't get it. I really don't get it. If you can't afford 4 polo shirts for your kid, then your kid should be polo-less. Seriously. If you need a belt and can't afford the $60 one, go to Wal-Mart and find one for $5 that will keep your pants up. If you want a candy bar THAT bad, take one of the bills from your pocket and PAY the nice lady for it. What happened that these people don't care what their mama is gonna say and where are their morals? Great eejits.

Presenting....

For your Tuesday entertainment and amusement...Beej and her brilliant boy, Pateriko! Luckily, the video ran out JUST as Beej hit a sour note.



It makes me very happy to play stuff with my kids, especially when they're interested in learning. I think in Pateriko's case, he just likes to take what he learns back to school and play it on the bells during band to impress the masses. He's a percussionist, but is the self-proclaimed "bell master". I personally don't think he can read music. He has the whole lot of them fooled. However, I just recently learned how to transpose from one key to another thanks to something he enlightened me about (not that I'm in any way good at it, but at least now I GET it). I took piano from 2nd grade through half of my college years and it took a few minutes and a 14 year old to explain it to me. And, brilliant though I may be, he has to put my movies in the DVD player because I just have no idea which remote control to use and what buttons to push. That is something that I just choose not to learn.

But your hair sure looks cute in that ponytail...

Last night I ran for miles and miles with one leg sort of twisted behind the other leg precariously. It was very uncomfortable, but I kept going because...well, I don't know why, but I kept kept going. I kept thinking I should stop and try to run correctly with one foot in front of the other, but for some reason, I just couldn't get my feet to do that. I kept thinking how it shouldn't be this hard because sometimes when I run miles and miles, I do it right and it's not even painful. I can go for long stretches without even breathing hard, and I can go much faster.

This is a recurring dream, and to be honest, I'm sorta tired of it. I think it's just my subconscious making fun of my failure as a runner. I mostly pretend that the failure doesn't bug me, but I think it actually does. So this morning, as a show of spite to the part of my mind that is toying with me, I decided to talk to my ugly running shoes and convinced them that we should try again, starting this morning. I stepped onto the treadmill, just like I do each and every morning, but this time, after a tiny warmup, I upped the speed and I ran. Well, it was more like a jog, but can we please call it running? I figure if you and I were side by side and you walked and I did this jogging/running thing, I'd have left you way back there ages ago. Anyway, I ran. Now, much like Lemony Snicket's story telling, this story will more than likely never have a happy ending, no matter how much I build up hope. Total running time without stopping? 10 minutes. That's all.

I will try again tomorrow.

What did Dirty Larry bring me today? Episode #11

As many of you know, I've become a Chanel girl this past year. I love how every Chanel makeup item is housed in a shiny black case with that pretty Chanel trademark on the top, not to mention the velvety bags that accompany them. Even the bottle of face cleanser I have has a shiny black lid and is as smooth as glass. It's all very aesthetically appealing. Everything Chanel feels hefty and substantial. I heart Chanel. All this to say that Dirty Larry brought me something Chanel for Valentine's Day today. It's a handheld mirror, but not just any mirror. It's the same mirror that is used at all the Chanel counters! It's lovely, and just in case you aren't sure about it, you are jealous. Sayin'.












Read Previous Episodes of "What Did Dirty Larry Bring Me Today"!

I tried using asterisks in place of the two S's, but it looked stupid to me.

I know that some of you (TwoDogs) are not as enamoured of facebook as I am, but like Brandy says, it's a magical website. Tonight I was there, looking at and thinking about my friends, old and new, and I realized that a large percentage of them, especially the ones I feel closest to, are pretty much wisenheimers. Before I go any further, I need to clear something up. Beej went to the thesaurus to find a nicer word than wiseass, since we are all fully aware of the blog rules and how we don't say stuff like that, and wisenheimer seemed to be a Beej-like choice. Also, I did not know that wiseass is spelled like a compound word. You learn something new every day. But, I digress.

As I was saying, most of the people I choose to be around are people I have to compete with to get a little stage time. For just a moment tonight, I wondered why in the world I do that. Then I remembered something that Dirty Larry has said many times over the years. He says that you are only as good as those you surround yourself with. I think it's something akin to laying down with dogs and getting up with fleas, possibly. Or maybe iron sharpening iron. What I'm trying to say, my friends, is that I choose to blame my sarcastic demeanor on everybody else. I am a mirror, reflecting only what I see before me (which now that I think about, could possibly be an explanation for why my skin has been so dry lately). I don't remember being like this when I was younger. I think I used to be a very nice person. Now, before you start getting the idea that I'm repenting of my sharp tongue, let me assure you that I don't intend to change, at least not on purpose. I like it this way and I think I'll try harder to stay away from overly happy, bubbly people, just in case they rub off on me. I'd hate to turn back into the bowhead that I once was. Bad thing is that I live with shiny, sparkly Dirty Larry who told me that maybe I should rethink using the word wiseass on my blog. He's gonna be my downfall for sure.

That ticks her off...

I went to eat with my friend tonight. We sat on the patio of one of the city's 45 Starbucks establishments after dinner and drank coffee and talked.

Friend: You know what ticks me off?

Beej: No friend. Pray tell, what ticks you off?

Friend: Gas prices are going up again.

Beej: Oh, yeah. That's bad.

*silence*

Beej: What else ticks you off? *takes a pen and dinner receipt from her purse so she can take notes*

Friend: That old woman and man in that car that almost ran over me in the Sears parking lot.

Beej: Oh my.

Friend: Old bat.

Beej: Oh my.

Friend: Our waitress tonight.

Beej: Yeah, she kinda sucked.

Friend: People who come in the one way places in a parking lot, going the wrong way to avoid a light. *points across the patio to the car turning into the parking lot, going the wrong way to avoid a light*

Beej: *turns to look* What else friend?

Friend: People who teach my kids vulgar things.

*her kid sorta got in trouble today*

Beej: It's gonna be okay.

Friend: Having to pay the dentist to clean my teeth when really I should be able to do that myself.

*more silence*

Beej: Is that all?

Friend: You know Jacob's mama?

Beej: Yeah.

Friend: Have you seen her hair? She suddenly looks like Rapunzel. She paid $600 for a freakin' weave. It took 12 hours for her to get extensions.

Beej: Are you kidding? Do you KNOW what I could do with $600 and 12 hours?

*more silence*

Friend: Yeah, she ticks me off.

Hope your Saturday was as pleasant as mine

Today, I met my friend at the gym and went to the tanning bed. I know that tanning borders on bad behavior, but it really does make me happy. Later in my life, when I ask you why I did this and my skin is all leathery, remind me that I said that. When I was all done tanning, I was trying to decide whether to treat myself to coffee at Moka's. Here I am deciding.

After that, this is what I saw...

...which meant I decided yes. Here's the proof.

When I got home, it was time for the family to work in the yard. We did that last Saturday as well and it was such a success that we thought we'd do it again. This time, I bought spiffy new gloves for me and the kids from the local dollar store for 3 bucks (and that's about how much use we got out of them too - mine already have a big old hole in them). Dirty Larry already had super duper gloves that he keeps hidden in his vehicle. He would never leave them in the garage. What if a spider decided to crawl in there and settle in one of the fingers when he wasn't looking? So in the car they stay.

We worked very hard for hours and hours (seriously). Well, at least some of us did. There were others of us who mostly played around with a rope we were using to pull some dead limbs out of a tree. Here are the culprits now.

Please note that Litkia's pants, while not matching her shirt, do match her gloves...kinda. I feel almost certain that she did this on purpose when she saw her nifty new striped gloves. I did mention that she was outside for the world to see and asked her if she was sure her ensemble was appropriate attire. She seemed okay with it, so I refrained from speaking about it any further.

So, this is the corner of the yard that we worked on today. This is an "after" picture. If you were standing in the same spot yesterday, you wouldn't see the same view. In fact, you wouldn't have seen the house at all. That's how overgrown and jungle-like the place had become. Another detail of interest in this picture is something that most people have never seen before. In fact, I haven't seen it many times myself. Look closely on the bottom left of the picture and you will see Pateriko RUNNING. I'm keeping this one forever.Anyway, here's the big pile of mess we made. I hope the city comes soon to get it all. Last weekend we had 11 contractor sized bags full of leaves out there and they were all gone by the next night. It wasn't the city though. It was the neighbors. I'm not sure what they wanted with our leaves, but I thank them for removing them just the same. Please note that in this picture, Litkia is still in the front yard, still pulling on that rope. My kids need new toys.

Fantabulous Friday

OH! Beejites! What a glorious Friday has begun for me this day. When the alarm went off, it didn't feel TOO difficult to rise from bed and the sun was already peeking through my window. I like that so much better than waking up in the dark. If I have to get up while the moon still shines, I feel robbed of part of my night.

Anyway, I went to wake up Litkia and for some reason, there wasn't the normal wrestling match with me trying to convince her that living and breathing is a good thing and that she should get up and eat breakfast. She, like me, seemed to not mind so much this morning.

I stopped by the computer as usual to check the morning e-mail and saw an article that added excitement to my already satisfying morning. Jon Freakin' Bon Jovi is going to be at Jazz Fast in New Orleans in May. Oh. My. Goodness.

Now, you may think that all this happiness is quite enough for a girl, but I'm here to tell you that there is more. MORE I SAY. I walked into the kitchen and flipped on the light and what met me there was brilliant. My first reaction was confusion. Things didn't look right to me. Something was wrong. This kitchen was clean! I mean REALLY clean. Everything was shiny and even the FLOOR HAD BEEN MOPPED. It was like a band of angels came down and swooped through there shining up the place with their heavenly cleaning products. I was stunned. Who could have done this?

Turns out it was Pateriko. PATERIKO people! My 14 year old son who has a hard time doing ANYTHING worthwhile had stayed in the kitchen last night and made it fabulous. I was overjoyed. He told me Happy Valentine's Day. I hugged him and thanked him and told him it made me exceedingly happy. It also took all my might not to say that it wasn't Valentine's Day yet and ask him to do it all again NEXT weekend. I think it would have spoiled the moment. While Pateriko was in earshot, I did, however, tell Dirty Larry that now that I knew he was capable of doing that, he'd be doing it more often. I couldn't help it. My poor kids.

Obvious shirking of the blog duties

Did this meme at facebook. Posting it here because I am L-A-Z-Y.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I don't think so.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I can usually answer this question with "a minute ago" but seriously, I can't remember right now. I must be having a good month!
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not in the least, but I am powerless to correct this flaw.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? cheese (is that a lunch meat?)
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Not as a rule but I did a couple of times before.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'd be my very best friend in the whole wide world.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? NevAH!
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yes
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? only if cheese was involved.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Cinnamon Life..hands down
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? naw
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? the kind that comes in an ice cream container
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Whether they have cheese in their possession or not.
15. RED OR PINK? those colors are just wrong wrong wrong. Let's try brown...or black.
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I'm kinda mean. But...actually, I kinda like that, so never mind.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my Daddy
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? yes, and I hope they bring me cheese too.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? black gym pants, big ugly gray running shoes
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Birds outside the window talking to each other.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? I have always had an affinity for that cornflower blue one, but I'm pretty sure I'd never go out in public looking like that.
23. FAVORITE SMELL? Interstate 65 at the Sunbeam bread making place (or maybe it's the Budweiser brewery on the other side that smells of yeast). One of those anyhow.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Larry
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes, I do. I wish I knew her better. She is a very smart psycho. Um...you know what I mean. ((I got this meme from Angie Miles who is a newly graduated psychology major))
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Haaaahahhahaa...haaaahahhaha...oh whew! That's funny.
27. HAIR COLOR? red
28. EYE COLOR? hazel
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no
30. FAVORITE FOOD? cheese (did I not already mention this?)
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? No scares please.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Scent of a woman (I heart Netflix)
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White t-shirt with NYC on it, given to me by my precious and wonderful sister, CB, who was actually in NYC when she bought it. Too bad I wasn't there buying it for myownself.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? There are two other seasons besides those two you know. I pick Fall.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheese
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? see #38
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? These are trick questions and I refuse to answer based on good judgement.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? The Shack
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? coffee cup, red pen, post it note pad and my mouse. If you'd like to know what picture is DRAWN on my mouse pad, it is van Gogh's Starry Night
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? American Idol in fits and starts
42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? Music
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Why, why, why must we choose? Why? Beatles I guess.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Washington DC
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I have SO many special talents that I can't even BEGIN to list them here.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? McComb, MS
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everyone's
48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Church
49. IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY? of cheese? half empty
50. IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN TO DINNER WITH FIVE PEOPLE WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? This is also a trick question because if I don't say YOUR name you're likely to de-friend me...but right now at this VERY second I would pick...CB, John Wood (you don't know him beejites), Jon Bon Jovi, Steve Martin and Emma Thompson (and Anthony Hopkins if there was an extra chair)